Creating good memories isn't hard to do, but it does take some intention. Want to talk to your kids today? Go do something fun. Take them to the park, the beach, the mountains, or just on a walk. Get outside to calm the noise.
In order for us to have great conversation, we have to create the environment for conversation to flow.
So take some time today to slow down, listen to what's around you, and create a memory. You won't be sorry.
Okay, I know that I just posted about this 2 weeks ago, but it goes in my ABC list, so here is goes again!
Consistency is key! You probably know that already because your teenager was once a toddler. But I think it is still so important. They need to know what to expect from you. They want to know what to expect from you! With all of the other “stuff” going in their lives, I don’t feel like they need the added concern of, “How is mom going to react today?” or “What in the world?!? Yesterday she said _______, but today she totally changed her mind!?!??!” Be consistent with your kids!
(I know, short and sweet today!)
Happy Parenting!
The next word in my ABCs of parenting a teen is BROKEN. This is the one I thought may need the most explanation.
I believe that on some levels, our teens need to see us broken. I think they need to know that we are human and that we hurt and mess up, too.
On a simple level, I think we need to be broken enough to appologize when we are in the wrong with them. Appologizing is a great way to gain their respect. . . appologizing when we really need to. . . when we were wrong.
On deeper levels, I think it is good that they know we are hurting. I don't think they need to know all of our hurts, but the ones "safe" enough for them to know. Last year I delt with something very personal and very hurtful and I didn't share it with Hays. It wasn't appropriate. But there have been other times when I have been hurting and broken and I have shared it. I think it does help in the short run, but I really believe that it helps in the long run. How many of us had parents that never seemed to be overwhelmed by anything? I did. And now I'm going through my life overwhelmed and often broken and I am wondering "what's wrong with me?" My mom did everything with such grace and ease and dignity. (Nothing is wrong with me, I just never got to see the frazzled side of my mom.)
Also, we need to be broken before the Lord so that He can use us. That is important. Don't forget that your teen is your mission field and you have to be soft clay so that you can be used in his (or her) life.
So, be broken! (I'm not wishing brokenness on you, by any means. Be happy. Have a blast, but when you are broken, let your teen know. . .if appropriate!)
Happy Parenting!
The first character quality in my ABC's is "AVAILABLE." We, as parents, need to be available to our teenagers. They know when we are too busy for them! So often they see us "busy." We're on the internet or cooking dinner or making lunches or cleaning up or doing laundry or watching "our" show or cleaning up or making phone calls or looking at our smart phones or, did I mention, cleaning up. We are busy. Sometimes being "busy" is "safer" than being available. Do you agree?
They need to know that we have time for them. We need to be available to them to talk or to answer questions or to just "be" with them. We need to be available to be an active part of their lives. I believe that it is important that they know that they are important enough in our lives that we are available to them. I also believe that if they know we are available, they will be more apt to talk to us or to share their lives with us or to ask our advice. (I have no "research" to back that, it is just my opinion.)
And then on top of that, we need to be availble to be used by God. We need to be available to love our spouses so that our teens can see that. We need to be available! (Where on earth do we find the time to be available and to work and to clean and guide and teach and cook and have "me" time? Great quesetion. But we do it. That is what makes us parents!)
Be Available Today!
Happy Parenting!
So, for those of you who have been to Kivu for any amount of time, you know about our "character qualities." We pick qualities which describe your children. I love hearing what my kids' counselors and peer think about them! Anyway, I was thinking about what makes a good mother of a teenager, and I came up with the ABC's of being that mom. I'll give you my list today and over the next several weeks I'll explain the ones that I think will need explaining (for example, I think B may need some explaining)!
Available
Broken
Consistent
Discipline
Encouraging
Forgiving
Giving
Helpful
Insightful
Joking
Kind
Loving & Level Headed (2 for L, I know)
Maternal
Nurturing
Optimistic
Patient (my worst)
Quick to Listen
Realistic (Expectations)
Sensitive & Sincere (2 again)
Trustworthy
Unselfish
Volunteering
Welcoming
eXcitied
Yell Leader
Zealous
So, there is my list. My personal list of goals. The ABC's of being a mom. Whatever you want to call it. Explanations to come! Have a super November!
Happy Parenting!
Remember the Will Ferrell movie Kicking And Screaming? The story was about a Dad who decided to coach his son's team, and I must admit, it hit a little close to home for me.
When my oldest son was 6, I decided to become the "dad" coach for the U6 soccer team in the neighborhood. Now, I must disclaim, I was raised in a family where winning was a part of the game. I hadn't crossed the cultural line of "just have fun" sports where every kid gets a trophy, and every kid is a winner.
In my world I thought, "Why would a kid get a trophy if he lost?"
"If he's no good, he's no good. Let's not lie to him."
"We're playing this game to win. That's why it's called a game. You have the chance to win."
You get where I'm going.
We started practice on a fall Monday afternoon. I explained to the team I expected excellence, most of whom had no idea how to say the word, let alone what it meant. I went on to set out clear goals for my flying dragons, and explained how the substitution would be done according to performance. "You play well in practice, you'll play in the game. You dork around in practice, and you'll sit the bench. That's how this game is going to be."
I set up plays.
Taught them how to pass the ball across the field.
Called out substitution packages they had to know on command.
We even had a system where they would run win sprints if they failed to organize in a timely manner.
I had six year olds on salute. They knew exactly what to do, and when to do ti.
Before our first game, I wondered if we were ready, but I was confident we did all we could to prepare. As my team took the field, the butterflies were flying in my stomach, but they would soon settle down.
After the first 4 games, no opposing team had even crossed the mid-field line, let alone shoot on our goal. We scored at will, while others fought to even touch the ball. We were un-stoppable. I heard the other team's coaches clapping hands for kicking the ball in the wrong direction, and shouting how good their team was doing when we were clearly dominating. I thought to myself, "What is this guy thinking? He's hurting these kids."
I didn't detour me. We were going to crush every U6 team in the league, and I was the general responsible for the victory. My six year olds were going to appreciate the trophy at the end of the year, and know they had accomplished something great.
After the season was over, I had a couple of parents ask if I would mind not coaching the next year. "We're so glad the boys won, but we think you take this a little serious. Maybe it's time to sit out."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. We won every game in dominant fashion. We were THE team of the neighborhood, and they wanted me to step down? Are you kidding me? (They ended up asking me back in the middle of the next season after they had one of those 'feel good coaches' and lost the first 4 games; but that's another story.)
I learned a valuable lesson about teaching and coaching kids that season.
Winning isn't everything, but when you can give a kid the tools for success, and they see that success come to fruition, they feel valuable. Your encouragement to help them achieve a goal can be some of the most valuable relationship money you can give a kid.
So the secret?
You've got to find out what your kids are interested in, and help them get the tools. It might not be sports. It might not be music. It might not be academics. But each kid in the world has a gift from God you can encourage into fruition.
My failure was the fact I sought to win so I could be a good coach, and moms and dads would recognize me. I was living life vicariously through the kids, not thinking about what THEY might want.
My success...for those who loved soccer, I encouraged them to be better at what they loved.
The parents dragged me back to coaching, as I was Kicking and Screaming, but I found another group of kids to encourage to success, and I loved it!!!
Secret for today....
Find out what your kids love, and help them be good at it. They might not win championships, or dominate..but they'll know you notice and care about them. And that's the most important part of parenting.
I have a feeling, as we journey together, you will be reading this title often! OOPS! I blew it the other day. Not only did I REact to Hays, but I REacted out of my own issues and not really because Hays messed up.
Let me explain.
First, I was mad at the trash company because they skipped our house. Then I was frustrated with Andy about something so stupid I don't even remember. Then I was frustrated with the trash compnay again because when I called them about skipping our house, I had to hold for 33 minutes before I could even talk to a person about our situation. Can you see where this is leading. . . ?
In walks Hays. . .
Actually, he didn't really walk it, I went and found him (poor guy). Before all of the frustrations mentioned above, I was wanting to print a document and I couldn't because I couldn't get my printer set up. To make a long story short, Hays comes into the picture because when I bought our new printer, he set it up.
So, the printer wouldn't work on my computer because it needed a cord that Hays misplaced. Such a little deal. . . . Well not to me after those frustrations. I totally let Hays have it about a stupid little cord because I was frustrated with other people but I couldn't lash out at them.
Have you ever done that? (Please nod your head yes or send me an email that says I am not alone in my rashness!) I find it so easy to REact to my kids and to respond to them out of my frustrations with others. They just seem to be the easier targets sometimes. And I hate it that I do that! It is actually one of my big personal goals. . .not to let my frustrations with others affect the way I treat my children. (So much easier said than done.)
So, there you have it. I messed up. But I'm blogging about it as a lesson for all of us (funny thing, I was actually going to blog about this very topic without my personal example next week). We have to seperate our outside frustrations when we deal with our kids. . .especially our teenagers.
Hays knew deep down that it wasn't totally about him (he had witnessed my trash frustration). Thankfully, I think it helped him respond gracefully to me in my ridiculousness (he gets a gold star). But he could have not been so graceful and he could have chalked it up in the "mistrust" list or the "mom is crazy" list or any number of "lists" in his head. Our kids need to trust that we will deal with them with the grace they deserve and with the consistency they deserve and with the amount of frustration they deserve.
So, shame on me. Learn from me so that you don't have to also say "shame on me" to yourself!
Happy parenting!
As the yearly spook holiday approaches, many Christians interested in filtering their lives through a moral compass of a Christian Worldview have to take Halloween into consideration. Is it something worth doing? Or, is it a celebration of evil?
I did a little research and found out the Origin of Halloween, and how it has evolved today. Surprisingly, in the origin of the celebration, I didn't find any wicked spiritual significance other than the Celtic celebrations of 'end of summer,' 'harvest,' and a night before All Saints Day which is traditionally celebrated on Nov. 1. Actually, the reference to All Saints Day is the only religious throwback I found.
The idea of dressing up, trick or treating, throwing parties, and having a good time, came from the old Middle Age celebrations of new harvest, fall, end of summer, and beginning of winter. When All Saints Day came into history in the 8th or 9th century, there is a clear emergence almost 200 years later surrounding a festival in Ireland called Samhain, or the festival of summer's end in Ireland.
So what?
What are we to do as Christians in America today?
I've seen churches turn Halloween back to a Harvest Festival.
I've seen parents excited about just not celebrating anything at all.
I've watched others embrace the holiday with a spirit of fun and innocent.
I've even seen some evangelical Christians use Halloween to create "hell houses" to literally scare the hell out of the attendees and present a gospel track at the end of the experience. They say things like, "Would you like to spend eternity in hell? It's a whole lot worse than what you just went through."
I don't know about you, but that seems a bit manipulative of the gospel to me, but I'm sure it's fun dressing up to scare people inside the walls of the church.
We've chosen to educate our kids.
We talk about Halloween and all the possible implications. But we choose to live in a place where Halloween is just about dressing up and having fun. We don't dress up as devils and witches, but we do have a time where all the kids in the neighborhood can get together and play games. We treat it like a neighborhood block party instead of some devil worshipping event.
Our church actually sets up a candy table outside the front door of the church to invite potential trick or treaters to come by. I've heard they see over 1000 local people during the evening, and they get a chance to touch the community with encouragement, rather than re-enforcing the notions of what we don't believe in.
I think it's up to your own family. There's certainly no Biblical precident for doing Haloween or not. After all, the evolution from the celebration of harvest has taken several different turns. Some want to hijack the day for evil, while others celebrate the good.
What say you? What are you guys doing for Halloween this year?
Consistency is key! You probably know that already because your teenager was once a toddler. But I think it is still so important. They need to know what to expect from you. They want to know what to expect from you! With all of the other “stuff” going in their lives, I don’t feel like they need the added concern of, “How is mom going to react today?” or “What in the world?!? Yesterday she said _______, but today she totally changed her mind!?!??!” Be consistent with your kids!
(I know, short and sweet today!)
Happy Parenting!
Seven years ago I walked into the home of a pastor in Ruston, LA. He had a couple of teenagers in the house, but I saw several college students coming in and out of the house while I was there.
They ate at the table.
They washed their clothes in the laundry.
They studied on the porch.
And he held a Bible study for them once a week where a big group converged on the house.
After a while I noticed, something was going on.
"Pastor, what's the deal? Why are all these college students hanging out at your house?"
"Andy, let me tell you, one day my 13 year old is going to wake up and stop talking to me. It's a natural part of life. They need to grow and distance themselves from their mother and I. But I'll be darned if I'm going to stop knowing what's going on. I'm going to STACK THE DECK."
Hmmmm....Stack the deck?
I got it straight away. In order that we are successful raising our kids, we've got to figure out how to put the Aces in our hands. Raising kids isn't just going to happen, we've got to provide places where we know we've got the best chance of winning.
Winning, when raising teenagers, is making sure you give them enough positive influences that might stick.
It's positive mentors.
Positive Programs.
Positive School programs.
Positive Church programs.
And remember, you can do good with 1 or 2 Aces, but when you have all 4, your chances of winning goes up quite significantly.
That's why we do what we do at KIVU. At KIVU, we provide a place where you can have an Ace in the hole. With high adventures in Colorado, world class mentors, and a faith team ready to answer the hardest questions your teens are asking; we feel like we provide a place where you can add to your winning percentage.
Check this out.
It's only 1:54 long. Just take a peek, and share it with a friend if you think it might help put aces in their hand.
We've got a responsibility to help our kids through the toughest years of their lives. Let's stack the deck together!!
